#424 - Unicorn Husbandry - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Masochists
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The Sisterhood of the Traveling Masochists, or Where Have All the Sadists Gone?
It was a year and a half ago, I was freshly healing from a bad poly breakup and chatting with an online friend about how she might take a vacation to Nebraska.
Now, to preface… I’ve had about a million conversations with people who said they would like to visit Nebraska. In the days of long ago, it was only known for a mediocre college football team and corn… that and what really is a staggeringly good zoo. Low cost of living. Rough winters. You Midwestern people get it. But quite often when I would be sharing my thoughts or photos or videos, I would hear from masochists and potential would-be masochists about the lack of sadists in their particular area.
More often than not, the conversation would turn to how they might like to do a scene, what would that look like… and since I was in a very committed polyfidelity relationship with my wife and our poly girlfriend, I usually would not allow the conversation to progress too far – because what would be the point? And I never really took it that seriously.
But I had recently reached out to a handful of friends and introduced them to each other, forming the beginnings of our Omaha Tribe. And we had all put out photos and stories and videos of the things we were exploring together, from the silly lighthearted kinky play all the way to the much more serious CNC dynamics of my sadism and the sadism of my close friends in their respective relationships. And now my friend was considering visiting Nebraska simply for the opportunity to be beaten brutally and fucked senseless.
At the very same time, I had been chatting casually with two very different women who lived on opposite coasts… they were not sure if they were masochists, but for very different reasons wanted to find out. And they wanted to find out in my dungeon.
Laughing with a good friend, I told him that I should let all three come out, then when I wrote an account of what happened I would call it The Sisterhood of the Traveling Masochists. In the past, I had only practiced sadomasochism within the confines of my private relationships with @Rainbow_Kitten7 and our poly girlfriend of many years… I had no interest in going to large-scale events or clubs, but rather preferred the intimacy of my own dungeon space or the organic fluidity of sadism with whatever and wherever I was. It seemed like a fascinating project, to explore sadomasochism with a handful of people from all over the country.
Sadists love to use the phrase, ”Fuck Around and Find Out.”
Well… I did.
@Midgee was the first to come out, taking advantage of a layover in Omaha between visiting family across the country. Her scene was beautiful and brutal, her screams echoed through my dungeon and this tiny little girl slipped right into my heart. Sneaky little thing… she also slipped into Kitty’s heart. And now she lives right here in Omaha with us, exploring an S&M Poly Love Story that would make the best (or worst) CW series ever. It’s kinda amazing.
@Stormie_Skyys came out next from the other side of the country… She was looking for the most brutal CNC scene ever as a part of her own personal growth, and in tandem with @Lord_Wraith and @The_Clever_Girl, we delivered for almost 3 hours on the process. Impact, waterboarding, knifeplay and scarification, sexual brutality and bullwhipping. Her breaking was one of the most staggering I have ever witnessed, even now. She came back for another visit a couple months later for fireplay, wax, knives and even more brutal sadism; and we are still close friends and have a very special relationship – the kind that can only happen when someone rips their body and soul open for you in that way.
But as I documented this journey, something else happened…
My inbox exploded.
Masochists and would-be masochists from all over the country (and a couple other countries) were reaching out to ask about possibly doing a scene together. I was amazed to discover how many people were looking for exactly the kind of thing I was doing – and it was worth it to fly cross-country to get it. Within a few days of Midgee coming out, I could have booked one new visitor a month for the next three years. The stories fell into three distinct categories…
Seasoned Masochists who wanted to try their hand at my specific style.Would-be Masochists who did not know how to connect with a potential sadist they could trust.Masochists who went to kink events but felt that it was all ”Sadism-Lite” and were looking for something that went a bit deeper – they wanted to truly break.Kitty and I chatted with each other and my poly-masochist girlfriend, @Medusa_Soteira. We chatted with my good friends in our local Tribe, trying to put perspective on this – Was there some extinction level threat happening with sadists? Was there just not a very big population to begin with? My experience with the larger kink community was fairly limited… but it seemed like everywhere I turned I was hearing new stories from women who were looking for high-level brutal sadism and it was in very short supply.
I reached out to a good friend who I knew had hosted visitors for this exact purpose, a well-known polyamorous sadistic Master – and we spent a few hours on the phone chatting. Like, an actual phone call. Like, from the 80’s. It was really fantastic, illuminating about his own dynamics and how to best manage these kinds of scenarios. I don’t really do long-distance relationships, so I wanted to know how you manage the emotional connection that occurs when you rip someone apart… because when they are so completely vulnerably torn open, I tend to leave a piece of my heart inside of them.
Yeah, I know it’s kinda sappy… but I love them more with every tear and drop of spilt blood, with every scream and gasp. By the time they shatter and break, I am utterly smitten. It is not always “Let’s Go Pick Out China Patterns and Drapes” plan the rest of your life together love… but it is the kind that means they will always own my affections. My doors will never be closed to them, nor will my dinner table and my family; when you have shed your blood for me, my aftercare is forever.
As friends from all over the country wrestled this issue with me, a handful of truths began to surface about the seeming lack of sadists.
One: There Are a Ton of Sadists Who Just Aren’t Narcissistic Exhibitionist Writers and Photographers. I say that a bit tongue-in-cheek, but let’s face it – there are only a comparative handful of us at the head of our own triumphant digital parade every single time we pickup a flogger. There are numerous folks who are doing these kinds of things in their own dynamics and in their own social circles – it just isn’t getting the same social media outlet. Probably because they couldn’t care less what the internet says. Or like myself just a few years ago, have never even heard of Fetlife and are happy just doing their own thing.
Two: Vastly More People Are Monogamous Than Polyamorous. Poly is tough sometimes, and so is the kind of loose non-monogamy you have to have in place to offer a scene to someone else. Especially at this level. I spend months in conversation with someone before I would allow them to visit and do this kind of sadistic scene – it really is not the kind of thing you can do as pickup play. A good sadist friend and I have wrestled the nature of service topping versus high-level sadism for months, trying to put definition on the question. But regardless, it just means that the majority of relationships simply are not open to offering these experiences to new masochists.
Three: It Takes a Very Specific Kind of Monster to Be the Kind of Sadist Who Breaks Someone. There are a lot of Sadistic Doms. There are a lot of Sadistic Tops. Most everyone has at least a little appreciation for the beauty and vulnerability of a crying girl. But that is simply not the same thing as the kind of bastard who laughs merrily and maliciously as the bleeding crying girl is begging you to stop; the kind of asshole who tells them to call ”Red” just so they can hear it, then reminds them that they do not get a safeword. Where terror is just another color on the fucked up palatte that you are painting with and desolate misery is the only acceptable outcome. In other words, most people are basically pretty good nice people. But there are a lot of masochists who are specifically looking for not-good not-nice people.
Four: Not Everyone Can Traumatize Someone and Still Live With Themselves. Sadism – especially sadism towards women – flies in the face of every accepted social standard that we were all raised with. I can still hear my mom’s voice saying, ”You don’t hit girls.” (Spoiler Alert: I actually do, in fact, hit girls.) Most people think that wanting to hit women makes you a bad person. Or that you will be seen as a bad person. Or if they love someone, they don’t want them to suffer. I want to emphasize, generally speaking this is a good thing for our society. Sadists are the kind of folks who can sleep like a baby after beating the holy hell out of a very nice girl, choking her while fucking her mouth then pissing in her hair as she struggles for oxygen. Contrary to the way the majority of society operates, if a Sadist loves you -- you are probably fucked. Because he seriously wants to make you suffer horribly because he loves you. That is a very rare quality.
So is there a shortage of sadists? Probably not as much as the optics might suggest, but there certainly does seem to be a lot more masochists than sadists. For those who are more community-oriented, I might suggest doing a bit of mentoring – but in the time that I have spent getting to know more and more people in the community, it has become my opinion that sadists are born rather than made. I could be wrong, but I think the seed of this particular kink has to already be there.
And it also seems that for the very bravest and most determined of these masochists, they might be racking up the frequent flyer miles. I know that the handful of folks who do the kind of sadism I do in such a public way are probably the most accessible for masochists to read about on Fetlife – and we have a very well-documented resume. Our relationship partners are tagged in our profiles and quite often can be consulted regarding what a scene with us might look like. It is counterintuitive, but I think the scariest sadist you know online might just seem like the safest option due to the public visibility.
But regardless, I give a huge shoutout to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Masochists. It is a bold and life-changing decision to get on a plane or drive hours down the road for an experience like this; and I’m certain it is terrifying. But I am so grateful for the opportunity to get to share in friendship and relationship with those of you who have trusted yourselves to my dungeon… and I look forward to those of you who will experience it one day in the future. I promise that I will always endeavor to give you the best (or worst?) that I have to offer.
Link: https://fetlife.com/users/8337532. Article link: https://fetlife.com/users/8337532/posts/7966455
Keywords: podcast, kinkycast, unicorn, husbandry, sisterhood, traveling, masochists, sadist, lack, skill, need, education, Dom, rainbow
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